The smell of the prison alone could choke a goat — a repulsive combination of excrement, fear-sweat, and musty rotting straw. Moonlight shown through the vertical windows in the stone wall, guiding my way along the dirt corridor. I twisted a ring on my finger, the one I’d taken from Valentin’s things. I knew he would have approved, if he were alive.

I wore a modified version of the Own’s clothing, my personal guard: a stiff green cloak and trousers tucked into my boots. My years of sewing made the ruse less problematic. If I was discovered, my entire mission would unravel — erasing my memory was one thing, but a slew of Moesian city officials and guards would be quite another.

I pushed down the anxiety that threatened as I approached the Thorn, the guard at the gate to the cells beyond.

My face in shadow beneath my hood, I flashed the ring. The Thorn snapped to attention, fumbled with the lock, and allowed me entrance. I stepped through without a word, and the door clicked and locked behind me, sending a shudder down my spine. But I pressed forward. Rumor of one of the Empress’ Own in the dungeon would surely cause a stir among the local guards. I wanted to avoid any captains who might be ambitiously eager to greet me, unveiling my charade in the process. No one could know I visited this prison. No one would know, except one.

I counted the cells, stopping at the fifth one on the right. I faced the lone prisoner, his gaunt, bearded face unrecognizable through the iron bars.

“Prisoner, state your name.” I leaned close, keeping my voice low, hoping to conceal my gender.

The prisoner shrank back, but not before I grabbed his arm, inspecting the stitching on the sleeve of his camasa tunic. The embroidery was green, a common Dacian color; I spotted lily designs, barely distinguishable under the filth.

I realized he was struggling against me, and I released him. He stumbled back, half-crouched against the back wall. I put out my hands, signaling for him to calm. I squinted, verifying what I’d hoped to see: an embroidered leather belt, though it now hung limply around his waist. He was a shadow of who he’d once been, but it was him. I let out a slow breath, releasing tension in my shoulders. I’d found the one I’d sought — a wealthy Lily noble named Gallus. A man who once loved my mother.

I pulled my hood back, revealing my face.

“Do not speak my name,” I whispered.

“Excuse me, . . . do I know you?” The man asked.

“I am someone you wronged, and now you have a chance to set things right.” I tilted my face so he could see my features more clearly in the dismal light.

He gasped.

He remembered me.

“Do you want redemption?” I asked.

Because of Gallus’ vindictive prattling to the guards, Thorns had raided my home, taken Papa away, and instigated a search for me, spurring me to flee the city. But in reporting us, Gallus inadvertently connected himself to our family and fell into the trap he’d laid for Papa. Caught in a web much bigger than what he’d imagined, he found himself incarcerated.

“It was you?” Gallus’ voice shook. “I heard rumors about a young woman from Moesia, made of gold who touched the Emperor and turned him to ash.”

 “Does it matter who I am now? Or can you seek penance from the girl I was?”

“I’ll do anything to make amends, for Leila’s sake.”

I growled at Mama’s name on his lips. “Do not speak her name. The walls can hear.”

I unlocked the door and yanked him out of the cell. I was tall, but the lifts in my boots made me as tall as most Dacian men, including Gallus. With my hood back up and my face hidden, I pulled the nobleman toward the gate. Only a few more steps and I’d have Gallus out of the prison, and the first half of my plan would be complete.

“I’m taking Moesian prisoner 0471 on orders of Lucius, the Captain of the Capidavan Guard,” I said to the Thorn, keeping my voice low as I’d practiced.

“This prisoner? The Captain of the Imperial Guard wouldn’t want ‘im for nothin’,” The Thorn said. “This one’s been down here since Emperor Cassus VII. Are you sure he’s the one you want?”

I clenched my fingers tighter into Gallus’ arm. “Are you questioning my eyesight? Or just my intellect?”

The guard jumped, and the key shook against the lock. The too-helpful guard stared at the ground as I dragged Gallus by.

I’d already located Gallus’ records and destroyed them at the Moesian court this afternoon. Memories were short in precarious times like these; with rumors of war and a skirmish at the castle, one prisoner warranted little attention.

Outside the fetid prison, I kept up my deception by shoving Gallus into the back of a wagon. As soon as we were out of sight, I flipped my cloak around and checked to be sure only the dull brown showed before re-clasping it at my neck.

I tied the horse and wagon outside an inn, and Gallus and I continued up the hill on foot. We kept away from the main roads, wary of night patrols. The nobleman moved slowly, gagging down the bread I’d offered him faster than he could chew. When I’d arrived in Moesia three days ago, I’d expected to find the nobleman in his hilltop home. Instead, I’d tracked him to the city prison. It was these immoral acts by Emperor Cassus VII that constantly reminded me to uphold lawful trials and rule with compassion.

Waiting until a patrol passed, I scurried to the city well and pulled up water for the nobleman to drink. In the wide courtyard, the twilight sky opened overhead. The winter nights were long, still, I needed to finish my task and slip out of the gate before dawn.

I turned to Gallus as he wiped water from his chin, and I gave him my proposal. His eyes grew wide, blinking repeatedly. He slumped down on the lip of the well, staring at the bright sky.

“Truly, a child?” He spoke to the moon, not to me.

“You were guilty of nothing more than being an overzealous informer. Though you injured my family, as far as the law is concerned, you shouldn’t have been imprisoned at all. I will not feel one bit of regret in setting you free,” I said. “But yes, in addition to your freedom, I offer you a chance to do something more. Something for me. And I believe Mama would approve.”

Gallus gripped the edge of the well as if steadying himself. “I look to the stars for guidance in knowing which way is up. To my feet, to know which way is down.”

“You refuse my proposal?”

Gallus’ voice dropped to barely a whisper. “On the contrary. On the contrary.”

Instead of growing more weary as we continued up the hill, Gallus seemed to be lighter. We approached my old house, empty except for one silent child huddled on my old bed.

“A bath is waiting in the back courtyard, along with a change of clothes.” The clothing wouldn’t fit Gallus well, but I knew he wouldn’t complain, just as I hadn’t after I’d been dragged from the dungeon under Rupea Castle. I was simply grateful to clean up, even with a frigid bucket of water.

I ushered him inside my parent’s home. The walls whispered of days past, though I’d already confronted those memories hours earlier. Besides, I wasn’t that girl anymore; I didn’t light a single candle.

Gallus moved quietly to the back of the house. I took a breath. The next hour would determine the success or failure of my venture. If Gallus abandoned me, scurrying home, I wouldn’t stop him. I would erase his memory of how he escaped the prison, but I wouldn’t compel him to care for a child he didn’t want.

I forced a serene look on my face, and I entered my old room.

“Esso?” I whispered. Cas had selected the new name for himself. He moved into the moonlight, his chin upturned, as I continued. “There is a man I’d like you to meet. He’s washing up and may take a while as he’s had a rough few months.”

Cas sat close and clutched my hand. He leaned, his head tilting to rest on my shoulder, something he’d only begun to do in the last few days. He wasn’t one to hug and barely allowed Pari to kiss his head good-bye. But he’d looked to me for guidance as we traveled, and I’d grown even more fond of little Cas. He was sweet and so unlike his father that I was beginning to understand why Pari and Ziba, my advisers, were unable to send him away.

Would he be able to form a bond with Gallus? I couldn’t leave him with someone he didn’t like, but what options did I have? My uncle wasn’t close with Papa, but if someone were hunting for Cas, they’d start looking for him with my remaining family, first. I’d also considered taking him to Essa’s family, but Jamil warned me that many in the Red Valley Clan would despise Cas for his paternity. The lad would likely be an outcast, especially because he’d inherited his father’s dark features. I didn’t want that for any child. Gallus was Cas’ best chance.

“You are so brave,” I said, distracting myself from my swirling thoughts. “You will start a new life here. Keep your mother’s name inside, never on your lips. I’d say that would be difficult, but you’re very good at keeping secrets.” His father’s identity had never been confirmed to him. And if Cas were to divulge his mother, it would be laughed off and swept away on the breeze. Cas might be teased, but hopefully, that would be the end of it. There was no record of Cas at the castle, no proof of little Cassus’ existence at all.

The entire situation wasn’t fair to the child. But life wasn’t fair, and I had to make the best choice from the options available. It was like choosing which vial of orange-sting you’d like to experience. Wiping away his past and bringing him to a strange city was far better than leaving him vulnerable to kidnapping, abuse, and creating excuses for infighting and bloodshed among those eager for power.

Cas opened my palm and played with my hand. He’d bitten his nails, and though he’d lost the dimples that I’d seen in babies’ knuckles, he still had a roundness to his fingers. “I miss Annuska.”

“Annuska will want you to enjoy new friendships. There are lots of people here like you and me. Not completely Getaen, or Dacian either. So we fit in here.” More than either of us ever did in the heavily-prejudiced castle.

Cas was quiet before gazing up at me with his big eyes. “I miss home.”

You’re sitting in my house.

But it wasn’t my home. The people who once dwelled here, who made it home were gone.

Cas’ parents were dead. The people who were supposed to protect him, didn’t. He had no home to return to. He knew this, deep down, and reminding him would only further bruise his fragile heart.

“I hope you give Moesia a chance,” I said. “Pick wildflowers outside the gates in the early fall, see the vast desert from the city well, and taste the fuzzy apricots.”

“Not to mention the market at dawn,” Gallus said, appearing in the doorway. “The smells are divine.” The Lily noble clasped his hands together, nervous. His hair was still wet and unkempt, but clean.

“Esso. This is Gallus,” I put my hand over Cassus’. “He looks a bit frightening now, but you’ll see he’s respectable.”

Cas clutched my hand tighter, his gaze roving over the stranger.

“I promise to care for the child, if he will allow me.” Gallus’ voice was thick.

I held my breath, turning Gallus’ words of commitment over in my mind. Rubia had told me his wife and child died years ago, and he’d grieved for them ever since. I eventually recognized Gallus’ sharpness at Mama’s gravesite as a result of his pain. Not that his words were excused by his emotions, but I understood it. And he must have accepted the idea of a half-Getaen child, or he wouldn’t have pursued my mother in marriage, nor would he have made the foolish attempt to protect me from Papa’s law-breaking habits.

I stood and handed Gallus a tincture and instructed him to put a drop into Cas’ food every day. Though only a few more days’ worth remained, the effects would last for another moon or longer, blurring his memory of Rupea Castle, as new memories of Moesia replaced them.

I’d swallowed bile at the mere thought of erasing Cas’ memories of his mother. Even now, my stomach churned. I refused to erase them completely. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. But I had to dull the memories around them, and I’d hired the best Clarifier in the kingdom to create the perfect elixir specifically for Cas. Still, the solution wasn’t perfect. There was no glorious way to right every wrong — this was simply the only way I knew how to save Cas’ life.

I took Cas’ hand and led him to Papa’s dusty study. Outside, the stars were fading; I was running out of time. I swept Cas up into my arms, carrying him across the broken tiles strewn across the floor, as his thin boots would’ve been sliced on every ragged corner. I sat him on Papa’s desk, moved to the wall, and wriggled a piece of the brick free, revealing a small cavity. 

The secret nook once hid Papa’s most precious scroll. The scroll was gone — the Thorns had found and taken the record to the castle. But the hidden cavity could be used again, but this time for something different.

I pulled out a small, blue, glass vial from my pocket.

“In three years, retrieve your mother’s blue vision from the wall.” I placed the bottle in Cas’ hand so he could feel it, helping him secure this memory in the whirlwind of events he’d suffered through.

Gallus made a game of counting how many clay bricks from the floor to the hidden cavity in the wall. Then the nobleman carefully placed Essa’s last words in the hollowed-out space and slid the brick in to conceal it.

I carried Cas back out of the room, assuring them both that the home would be secured for the next three years. I put Cas down near the hearth and moved to gather the few things I’d brought with me.

“Are you coming back?” Cas asked.

My heart tightened. I sunk to my knees and took both his hands in mine. Gallus excused himself from the room, giving us a last moment together.

I rolled my lips together, wondering what I could say to ease Cas’ . . . ease Esso’s transition.

“Remember when Vasile took you away from your mother?”

His body shook. I squeezed Cas’ hands.

“I’m doing what Vasile should have done — protect you. Gallus has the resources to keep you safe and give you a happy life.” I ran my thumb over his chubby hand. Pari, my Healer, would be pleased, except her mind was probably already fuzzy per the instructions I’d given her, and I wouldn’t remember enough when I returned to comfort her anyway. “No one will suspect where you are. If we see you again, we must pretend not to know each other; otherwise, it’ll put you in danger.”

Cas scrunched his nose and sniffed. In the darkness, I couldn’t see if tears were welling in his eyes, but he finally nodded.

I took him to where Gallus was waiting, fidgeting with his clothing. When he saw us, he straightened. “I will care for him as if he were my own.”

“I trust you will.” I felt as if my heart was being stomped on. I turned to Cas, “Go gather your things.”

As soon as the boy was gone, I whispered to Gallus, “Your life is now changed forever. Come up with a lie for how he came into your care as if your life depended on it. Because it does.” I put my hand on the pommel of my short sword. “Furthermore, I was never here. If you ever approach me, I will pretend I don’t remember stealing you out of prison, nor the child.”

Though I wouldn’t be pretending, I really wouldn’t remember a single thing about this entire excursion to Moesia. A Clarifier in Patridava would see to that.

I moved to the porch, pausing, listening for movement. I had just enough time to leave the city before merchants started gathering at the gates. A black-clad guard skulking about the city would draw attention. Even one merchant’s wagging tongue in a tavern was one too many.

I felt little hands tug on my pants. Cas was silent, gripping my clothing in his little fist. I was the only person who knew who he was, his past, and parentage. Soon there would be none.

I dropped down, searching his big, dark eyes, unsure what to do. This was too wide a gap for my emotions to leap. How could I leave him? He tipped his head forward and pointed to his head, indicating a kiss as Pari had done. I laughed, releasing the tension in my chest and tears in my eyes, but my throat was so tight it ended up a burble. I sucked in a breath and wiped my cheeks, taking in the sight of him one last time. I bent forward and kissed his forehead. Cas leaned closer, the top of his head tickling my nose. I straightened, a genuine smile forming on my lips as I blinked back more tears.

Gallus extended his hand to a child he barely knew. Hesitantly, Cas placed his hand in Gallus’ open palm.

My heart thumped in my throat. I didn’t realize this type of pain existed for a child that wasn’t my own. I could almost understand why Gallus reported Papa all those moons ago. Almost.

“I give you an oath that I will protect him. My family’s word is our legacy, and I would die before breaking a promise.”

His face was resolute, firm in his commitment. Knowing Gallus’ history, and his actions against Papa, I had calculated this outcome. But setting my plan into action, pulling the strings, my own heart became entangled in the process. Seeing Gallus warm to Cas lifted a weight off my shoulders. Yet it saddened me, too.

Being left behind is the hardest, so I let Cas leave with Gallus first. Cas whispered good-bye, and they walked together, hand in hand, the beginning of something complicated, unknown, and hopefully beautiful.

Emperor Cassus VII had been pampered, making choices about easy things. This was difficult. That rotten man didn’t have half the courage of his son. Cas turned back only once before they disappeared around the hillside road, where a fine carriage was waiting for them.

I counted to one hundred, just in case Cas returned. Or perhaps I couldn’t bear leaving him. Finally, I forced myself to move. All my work would be for naught if I was recognized by an early-rising neighbor. I slunk through shadowed alleys, vigilantly alert for the night watch. I unhooked my horse from the wagon, mounted, and quickly switched my cloak to reflect the green of the Empress’ Own.

Approaching the main city gate, I flashed my ring, and the Thorns allowed me through without question. With both a sense of relief and a new-found grief, I slipped into the desert. Galloping forward, I stopped at a grouping of scant trees less than a mile from Moesia and dismounted.

Prince Asander slipped from the shadows. “The weather is nice here. We should stay until spring.”

My heavy heart welcomed his light humor. “I’m not sure the Prince of Auripo is ready for the luxury of the Commons.”

Part of me wondered what Asander would think about where I grew up, so small and quaint compared to castle life.

“I suppose you’re right. Jamil will be half out of his mind if we don’t hurry back,” Asander joked.

“What do you mean will be.” I was sure the head of my Own had already paced a groove in the cobblestones outside Rupea’s gates. Although I’d left a brief note, Jamil had every reason to be furious with me for not telling him where I was going or when I’d be back.

Asander’s grin faltered. We both knew this side venture, as heart-wrenching as it was, must be quick. War was coming.

Asander paused. “The boy is settled?”

“What boy?” I said. I might as well start the process of forgetting.

Asander’s face fell. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who grew attached to the child. I placed my hand on Asander’s shoulder.

“Thank you for coming. Truly. I know it was a hard thing I asked of you.”

“I am here but to serve you,” he said.

To serve Dacia, I reminded myself.

I mounted my horse and held the reigns.

“To Patridava,” I said. We would call on a Clarifier who would erase the last two weeks of my life. By the time I walked the castle gardens again, I wouldn’t remember where I’d hidden Cas. Few would remember his existence at all, and I would be the only one who knew the boy still lived.

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